Playing or teaching? |
I have no
idea what the answer is to the question, should parents and caregivers play with
their children? I am,
however, quite certain there’s more than one answer. Moreover, I think we don’t
have an answer because we are not even asking the question.
Recently
I have posed this question to friends and colleagues in museums, in early
childhood programs, and to parents. There’s no hesitation in their responses,
at least initially. Whether they say, yes,
why, or no, they pause and inevitably shift directions. Well, of course! might be followed by Why not? An emphatic No, they just get in the way might be followed by a pause and, I get bored playing with my kids. I
always enjoy being asked, But, you do think
play is important, don’t you?
Wanting
parents and caregivers to play with children seems like a gem of an idea. We believe
in the value of play and with the recent decline in opportunities for children
to play, we are eager for more play opportunities. We know the parent and
caregiver relationship with the child has life-long significance; that bond
could be cultivated during play. In museums and on playgrounds we might also think,
what else do these adults have to do
anyway?
So, why isn’t
adults playing with children such an obviously terrific idea that everybody
gets?
It is, as
they say, complicated. Realistically, sometimes adults as playmates advance
these broader interests and sometimes they detract from them. For instance, if
we view play as child-directed, then adults entering the play frame can crimp joyous
child-directed unfolding play. Even if they don't intend to, adults will hijack
play or pre-write the script; they may remember their own play. It can be
difficult for a 6-year old to accommodate a parent’s fully scripted delightedly
repeated childhood memory of “Little House on the Prairie.”
If as research
shows that play is a valuable way for children to be with other children and
figure out ideas with peers, then parents as playmates may be limiting development
of valued social skills. And, when play becomes a duty for either the parent or
the child (“I can’t disappoint dad, he really wants to play with me”), play
loses the spontaneous, freely chosen quality fundamental to its spirit. Furthermore,
if one person’s play is motivated by obligation and the other’s by the sheer
joy of stacking sofa cushions to make a snake pit, then play is sorely
imbalanced.
In
general, children make better playmates for other children than do adults. Even
across a wide age range, children share interests, energy levels, current
references, and a sense of humor. Parents–adults
in general–may not be able to pick up the child’s cues during play, which evolves constantly,
incorporating new ideas that sweep in from the edges of the play frame. The
castle has become an underground cave; the block is a phone, a shoe is a candy
bar. The rules of play that are important for children to negotiate may not be
recognized at all by adults as worthy rules. But to children they are and they
may also need to be broken immediately to advance the play.
On the
other hand, if we value parent and caregiver involvement in the child’s
learning (and play is one of the ways children learn), then playing with their children may
be a valuable opportunity for parents to get a closer look at their child’s
learning.
So, do we want parents
and caregivers to play with their children? Of course there is no simple or
single answer. In which setting? Museums, home, school, backyards, playgrounds?
One answer doesn’t fit all settings, all museums, or even one museum all the
time. Children of what age? What kind of play? What’s the context? What else is going on?
These are
not idle questions. With relatively few opportunities for children to engage in
extensive play that they direct, it is important to expand, not limit, play
opportunities. Making it easy for children to play freely with other children
is important; it's not filling the void with adults pressured or being guilted into play.
What
might help? By exploring the larger question with others and pursuing new
questions, we may be better navigating this territory, even if we don’t arrive
at one place or stay there for long.
What
roles are adult taking? There is often a hidden agenda when adults play with children. They
may be directing large motor play out of caution so children won’t get hurt. Involvement
may be motivated by making play more valuable, for learning academics. Pressure,
however, is no friend to play.
Who's playing now? |
If adult
involvement in play is to correct or bring order, that’s a problem. I recently
visited a “play and ingenuity” magnet school for kindergarten through 6th
grade. In the 90 minutes we were introduced to the school’s approach, it became
apparent that play was used for group management. It was fun and well done, but
it was not play. The point of play is that there is no point, no agenda, no pre-determined
outcomes.
In play, blue blocks become a lava flow become an obstacle course |
Can
adults really join the play without changing it? Without some attunement to
children’s play, adults may not really get the flow of the play or the rules. Adults
may alter the play context with their suggestions, normalize the story lines, and extend or cut short the
play. On the other hand, if adults follow the child’s lead and engage in
playful interactions with them, they may move the play along, as an older
peer might.
Whose
play is it? Even when
the child is leading and telling the adult what to do, it might not be play.
Bossing ruins play processes fueled by negotiation and figuring things out
together. In play, children may deal with the crying baby, the angry mother,
the scary robber, or the super hero in quick succession. Are adults able to keep
up with that and negotiate with children in good faith?
Who
gets to decide
whether adults playing with children is a good idea in this setting or
situation? In play, children can choose not to play. If the adult–parent,
teacher, timekeeper, and general boss–is the play partner, can the child walk
away and call it quits? If not, the play set up is probably not a great idea.
Should we expect parents
and caregivers to play with their children? If we are serious about the
benefits of play for children, we must get seriously better at providing more opportunities
for child-initiated, directed, and unscripted play with adult-free options.
This doesn’t mean that adults need to disappear, but they may need to step out
of the way. Here are some thoughts of what this might look like.
• Parents and caregivers can do many wonderful things with children that are
not necessarily play but do enrich and extend play. They can read to children,
tell stories, listen to them, observe them, answer their questions, create a
place to play, find props, tolerate mess, and be OK with risk taking. That would be big.
• More
public, free access places where children can direct their play are needed. There
are parks and playgrounds, museums, and schoolyards. It’s striking that the
list isn’t longer. What about empty lots and alleys, backyards, the courtyards
of buildings, school playgrounds after hours?
Playing with? Together? Along side of? |
• Museums
can offer times and places for children to play with supervision but without
adults joining in. A museum for children should be able to have a place that is
just for children. Could a museum
field trip offer extended, play rich experiences instead of a program much like
a classroom lesson? What if parents and caregivers accompanying children to the
museum or playground could observe, listen, talk with each other, talk on their
phones, or take photos? Would that be such a bad idea?
• Museums,
libraries, preschools, parks departments, afterschool programs, and schools might consider playwork training that supports playwork principles.
Playworkers balance many considerations around children’s play: a space to
play, risk, and development in a role that enables children and young people
to extend their play, not to play with them.
This is
not to say that parents and caregivers can’t lean into children’s play now-and-then
and provide guidance to help their child be aware of others’ feelings. Parents
and caregivers are present in children’s lives. They know their children and they
themselves play. Parents and caregivers will play with children, but it’s not
their job and not always a good idea. Museums, parks, playgrounds, schools, along
with early childhood educators, and parents have a role in play. Make it easy
for children to play with other children. Give them the time and place to play,
but don’t write the script.
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